Letter To a Friend

My dear friend,

I saw him — he had a bowl of chickpeas in front of him, but what I liked the most was how he slurped his broth. Every night he slept with his head down, hanging from the rafters. He had a golden lighter with dragon fangs on his table. Brake fluid was dripping from his nose and he held an anchor in one hand. The charming philosopher said that hot water had arrived, a bottle of caustic soda was shattered in the bathtub.

Dear friend, you have been accused of being mad, of leaving the people with a noose around their necks, but without soap, of stealing Christmas Day.

You were eating bread with plum jam while he was betrayed for thirty pieces of silver and over a billion dollars in foreign bank accounts. He was taken from the Garden of Gethsemane by helicopter, then taken by carriage and arrested. You did nothing, you didn’t help him, even though you knew he was innocent, he was the only one without sin. He was brought to trial by Pontius Pilate and Pilate of Pont, but he firmly and loudly replied that he would only answer to the Great National Assembly, yet they only spoke empty words.

He was accused of genocide and undermining state power, and was taken on the Via Dolorosa to be crucified. On his left and right, two harlots played strip poker with two thick-tongued circus dwarves, he forgave them all — it was rainy weather. The clogs walked around, slipped on the ground and laughed, the crows cawed. The firing squad aimed from the hip and shot hastily, after the execution, it snowed poison. Three days after the Scriptures, time stood still. Please swear with your hand glued to the margarine-stained Bible that it’s not true!

Do you remember the winter when we used to steal smoked beef from uncle Scrooge’s cellar? You sprinkled it generously with aromatic white wine so that we would have a bountiful New Year. We sipped Irish brandy until morning. The next day, we woke up and started all over again. We kept going like this until St. John’s Day when we chugged the brandy straight from the barrel. You cracked the whip and blew the horn, we went in a sled pulled by horses. They gave you cakes and nuts, but you wanted money instead.

Wishing you a Happy and Prosperous New Year!