Ode to the Greatest Emperor
Your grandfather was a great man, not a snot-nosed brat like you. He was the first in history to unite Pangaea and Panthalassa under one flag. He loved gazing at the bird of paradise, the tit-wank and the motorboating.
In the opulent protocol chambers of his palace, the walls bore the mounted heads of dinosaurs he had slain during his Sunday morning hunts in the mountains of the Black Forest. He was an ardent collector of insects, particularly those from the Mesozoic era. The death’s-head hawkmoth adorned his family crest.
He held court during breakfast to avoid wasting time. Bread with onions was his staple, washed down with water from a barrel. He listened halfheartedly to his advisors, noisily slurping stew from a clay bowl, splattering the walls with broth as he chewed. He watched them all with thinly veiled boredom, his thoughts often wandering to women. Criticism was utterly intolerable to him; dissenters were swiftly decapitated.
The peace envoys entered timidly through a massive wooden gate, carved in relief with skulls and floral motifs. His imperial majesty awaited them, sporting a towering black-and-white checkered rubber top hat, absently spinning a diamond ring on his middle finger counterclockwise, and tapping compulsively on the marble floor with his lacquered shoes. In his right hand, he held a golden scepter crowned with a lion’s head, and in his left, a can of Pepsi from which he noisily sipped. He regarded them with contempt from afar, unwilling to let them approach too close to his august personage, as propriety demanded.
When the envoys halted at a respectable distance and unfurled their parchment — riddled with grammatical errors — to read their plea, the emperor pulled a lever. His throne, powered by dual hydraulic mechanisms, ascended skyward, nearly brushing the dome of the throne room. He erupted in a malevolent laugh, like a spirit of darkness unleashed.
“I disagree!” he shrieked hysterically. The demonic echo of his cry reverberated through the hall, waves of sound crashing like molten lava, shaking the walls and fracturing the marble floor like parched earth after a century-long drought.
“Throw them in the dungeon!” he ordered, descending once more to ground level before letting out a long, guttural belch, the carbonation bubbling audibly.
Thus was built the greatest empire the world has ever known.
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